3 mistakes people do when setting boundaries & what to do instead
Boundaries are not a new topic, yet I still see people make the same mistakes over and over again when it comes to setting them. Not only that but there is also a common misconception that having strong boundaries is being “b!tchy”, “bossy”, “distant” or (insert any misconception you have about boundaries). However, their purpose is simply to protect your happiness, peace of mind, and energy. Boundaries are also highly individual as they are based on your very own values and perspectives. What is a boundary to you, may not be for someone else. Yet, not setting them can come at a high cost. Not only are you putting yourself at the mercy of others and giving your power away, but you may also feel disrespected, taken advantage of, depleted of energy, or even passive-aggressive.
All that can be avoided through setting boundaries, and no, doing so does not make you a b! tch or mean or anything else. That right there is your saboteur talking, not your empowered best self. Struggling to set boundaries does come from self-sabotage types like the People-Pleaser, Overdoer, or even Victim Player (take my free quiz to find out which type are you, click). Their origin, as does for many self-sabotage types comes from a fear of being rejected or not accepted and most likely is rooted in your childhood. This doesn’t mean you will never be able to set boundaries or stick to them, heck no. If you are curious about how to overcome the self-sabotaging behavior and get to the root cause of the boundary struggle, send me an email, and I will send you free training, that will teach you how to stop the self-sabotaging behavior.
But in this post we are talking about the 3 most common mistakes I see people make when it comes to setting boundaries, so let’s dive in!
Mistake 1: They don’t communicate the boundary
It shouldn’t be of any news to you that no one on this planet can read minds. You might have a boundary internally, but because you never communicate it you find yourself complaining to others about how your mum once again showed up at your door without telling you. Yes, it might be scary having to tell your mum “Listen, you can’t show up without an invitation, I have plans. If you want to spend time together, let’s agree on a time next time”, but you might be surprised by how often people welcome your honesty, and if they love you unconditionally, it’s no problem at all and there’s no need to fear any rejection. If they do make a fuss about it, here’s a sub-mistake people often do: they start over-explaining the boundary. There’s no need to tell them all the reasons why you wanna set the boundary, even if they don’t understand. A solid “No.” can already be boundary enough, you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone unless you want to. Solution: Communicate your boundary openly and transparently
Mistake 2: There is no consequence
When you communicate your boundary, make sure you also communicate a consequence the other person will want to avoid from happening AND if they still overstep your boundary don’t shy away from making that consequence become reality (this is also already the solution). How you treat your boundaries is how you teach others to treat you. So, coming back to the example of unwanted visits from your mum: If you communicate your boundary, yet she still shows up at your door, it can’t possibly be such a bad thing if a parent wants to see their kid now and then, be firm with the consequence: don’t let her in and send her back home.
Mistake 3: They keep the boundaries set too flexible
If you keep on rescheduling your me-time, amending the boundaries, or making exceptions here and there, do you even have a boundary in place then? Stand behind your word, and don’t fear putting firm boundaries in place that you commit to respecting. Because in the end, respecting your boundaries is respecting yourself. Solution: Put firm boundaries into place you respect.
So if you want to get something out of reading this article, combine it with a specific action. Get clear on the boundary you want to set and how it will support you in living your best life and becoming the CEO of your life, communicate it where needed, and put a consequence in place. And of course, practice sticking to it.
If you find yourself struggling with it, know that you are building a new habit here and the goal is not perfection, but consistency. Regularly reflect on what has been going well and what hasn’t to see where you need to be a little firmer, communicate more, or maybe some boundaries are draining you. Self-reflection can shed light on it.
With love,
Josi
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