Feeling ashamed of changing

“I am not responsible for the version of me that exists in other people's minds”

Storytime!

As I was soaking in a nice hot bath yesterday, this sentence popped into my mind and I immediately had to get my thoughts out on paper (or my notes app on the phone).

It suddenly struck me like thunder, that I have very often been experiencing the feeling of shame or guilt when going through internal change. This includes my personal opinions, goals, life in general, and more. Despite being an absolute lover of change!

But, what was also clear to me is, that this is only because I was ashamed of not being able to live up to expectations others have of me and the versions living inside their head, because of what I said or how I acted in the past.

For example, I thought I have to stay in the long-term relationship because that’s what everyone expected of me. Because I didn’t know or rather believe, life could be different.

It needed for me to get married to finally have the penny drop and I realised this is not a relationship I see myself in anymore, and things had to come to an end to make room for new beginnings.

Yet for a long time before and even after the breakup, I was carrying so much shame and guilt around because I could not live up to that past version of me anymore and the external expectations this Self created. I felt like I disappointed people for not being the version I thought existed in their heads.

Another example; I thought I stay in the same company forever, work in Finance and eventually be a leader of some sort.

Leaving the company came as a surprise to some fellow colleagues, as well as my past self. And again, there was lots of shame around having changed, even though it meant actually being authentic and having the courage to do what truly matters to me and sparks joy.

Now, what this is teaching me is, that I know, these feelings are part of the process, they are proof we changed and are on the right path. You could see it as our saboteur's last outcry of trying to keep us small and making us feel bad about growing and evolving.

I’ve come to think those feelings are needed, to fully understand the beauty that comes with the new version of oneself.

Looking back at all this, I can now proudly and without any feeling of guilt or shame say that I am a leap taker, a believer in myself, full of compassion, and understanding that my goals and who I am will change over and over again.

And I am not responsible for the version of me that exists in other people's minds. Which is incredibly deliberating.

So, here I am celebrating my ever-evolving self, am proud of who I was, I am and all the versions I will be.

They all are part of my story of how I have grown and lived life exploring and finding myself over and over again.

NamaStay happy

JD

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