Birthday reflections
Every year around my birthday I get more and more into reflection mode. Sometimes deliberately, but sometimes it’s rather subconsciously. I find myself often dreaming about memories of past events, or more specifically how they made me feel. It’s the fear from when I was hiding in the bathroom and being screamed at, worried any minute the door would break. It’s the panic that creeps back into my bones remembering how my ex-partner grabbed my cat, hurting her. It’s the anger and frustration over being backstabbed multiple times by friends. It’s the stab in the heart being told I was never wanted and that life would have been better without me being here. Random memories like these would pop up whilst just walking down the street or standing in the shower.
Despite all the healing I have already done, during the month of September, the pain comes back. And contrary to the past I let it. I learned to let go of the need to control my tears and know how to breathe through the tension in my throat.
Up to 6 years ago I might have tried to bury it all again, stop the emotions, the pain, and the memories from hurting me, never talk about it with someone, and keep it all to myself. But I know now that this is just a normal part of the healing journey. We learn to cope better and better with what happened, we learn to harvest the memories for their lessons, and we give ourselves the (birthday) gift of forgiveness.
Owning one’s own past, and more importantly, mistakes is a crucial step toward fostering self-acceptance and ultimately self-love. I want to point out that we are not our stories, nor do they determine our worth. They are a part of us we don’t necessarily like, yet we decide which ones we let define ourselves, no one else.
If I had taken on the judgment and opinions of others about how I chose to live my life, I would have felt like a miserable worthless piece of sh!t. And even that might be an understatement. The moment I started to write my own story, based on how I truly see myself and know why I am here, my story started to change. It allowed me to teach and share from my scars. It allowed me to get closer to my full potential, to own my whole and resourceful self, and to fully embrace my mission: to make this world a better place for as many people (and animals) as possible.
I may not always have received the love I wanted or needed (I do now and I receive it graciously, though even that took me a while to learn!), but I for sure as hell am oozing an incredible amount of love for life, people, and animals. Or maybe that’s exactly why I shower people with as much love as possible because we all deserve and need it.
In my 31 years of life, the biggest lesson I have ever learned is this: be, trust, and love yourself, always.
This is why I survived all that was thrown at me, or even what I threw at myself.
This is why I was known for being so extremely determined on my paths.
This is why I cut out people from my life, and let others cut me out of theirs.
This is why I always strive for continuous growth and learn how to be a better human.
This is why I chose to live a life of purpose and follow my inner calling no matter what.
Being yourself is (self)leadership, so trust it is what you are here to love doing and being.
If you are reading this I want you to know, that these are simply facts I wish for you to be open to receive and (start to) believe:
You are loved.
You are needed.
You matter.
You are enough.
Sending you love and a big hug,
Josi
